Loneliness
by littlemisssexkitty
Summary: Set in S5ep3 directly after they visit the brothel. Destiel, Dean thinks about what its like to finally be on his own and maybe even how he feels about Castiel.


Dean Winchester has never really experienced loneliness.

When he was a teenager on cold hunting trips he would stay close to his father, learning, trying hard to be brave when in reality he was far from it. And even before that, he remembers the sweet smile of his mother, the way she used to tuck him in at night, the way she used to smell. Her absence hurt the most through it all but he was strong and he learned to fight for Sammy, to be there for him when Dad wasn't. However annoying or bitchy he could be with his stupid pouting he was his brother and it was somehow comforting to wake up in the middle of the night and be able to hear him snoring.

Now there was only silence.

He had drifted from place to place frequently, finding it harder to sleep now than he ever had before, even in those few months when he returned from Hell. When, He had brought him back.

He would never admit it but Dean Winchester was actually kind of thankful that Castiel had called him, kept calling him night after night, had come back to visit him, to ask his assistance. He maybe even needed the company and tonight, after everything that had happened with the police station and the brothel visit and the fact that he's just sitting there. An Angel of the Lord, staring at his hands sat in the front seat of the Impala. With the end of the world imminent and he's embarrassed because he got them kicked out of a brothel, its too much, too ridiculous.

And Dean laughs. The kind of laugh where you can't breathe and you know you should stop but you can't help it. It feels good, like he's alive and for once he actually feels kind of happy. Just him and Castiel in the impala, him and his angel in his baby.  
But then he glances over and goddamn it if the son-of-a-bitch isn't looking all wistful and with those giant puppy dog eyes of his.

Dean stops laughing.

"Dude, come on it was freaking hilarious. I mean even if you didn't lose your virginity tonight we had a good time anyway".  
Castiel just stares down at his hands some more. No eye contact, no noise. He tries to smile and fails.

"This isn't what I intended from tonight. I'm glad you found it enjoyable however Dean."

This isn't good. If it's the last time he's going to see Cas he wants him to look a bit happier at least.

"We could go to another brothel if you want?" He offers, clearly struggling.

"No. I do not wish to go through that experience again. What those women do is shameful."

Dean sighs "then what do you want? Because I am telling you now I do not have the funds for a call girl"

"Dean." Castiel sighs and for the first time in over an hour maintains eye contact with the human. "I don't know how much time I have left. I may be gone tomorrow. It is irrelevant to me as to whether I do..." he drawled off clearly uncomfortable, before looking down at his hands again.

"I am merely happy that you enjoyed our time together. Despite my embarrassment I did also. You may not wish to hear it but I will miss you Dean. I have complete faith in you. Whether or not you have such faith in yourself"

There is for a time an uncomfortable silence as Dean sits and thinks. He thinks about how far they've come, how much they've been through. How sad Castiel looks next to him and his five sizes to big coat and tie put on backwards. Dean runs a hand through his hair. He has never been one for "chick flick moments" but he feels obligated to at least say something. Or if not that, then do something. It's so much easier with girls, you lie and you fuck them and then you can move on. But this, whatever this is. Is different. He knew from the first moment he had met him and the look on his face as he came in close and whispered.

"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Castiel had changed his life and he will forever be in his debt.

Dean thinks some more. Stops the car in the nearest motel car park and checks around for pedestrians.

"Dean?"

He swallows. Staring at his knees. If he does this everything will change drastically. But then again it already has.

"Cas" He looks the angel in the eyes almost faltering before he smiles and Cas smiles back at him and he knows that he will never regret this. Whatever happens.  
If he can't tell him what he means to him, he can show him. Besides. He did promise him he would help him lose his virginity tonight and if there's one thing Dean Winchester dislikes its broken promises.

He inches forward, places a hand on the angels shoulder, moves it to the back of his neck and leans closing the gap between them.  
It's not like kissing a girl; it's not like kissing anybody. His lips are slightly chapped and it's awkward and he can feel Castiel shaking with nerves. The mouth that greets him is tight shut. Confused, Castiel tenses. He pulls away slightly trying to read Dean's face desperate for any kind of indication of what's going on.

"Hey. Relax" Dean smiles and Cas's expression softens.

"Are you sure you want this? I am not entirely sure what would happen if an angel and a human did...I do not want you to think differently of me"

He takes Deans lips on his again as confirmation, moving gently into it. Experimenting. Castiel moves his hands to Dean's face and smiles awkwardly back at the grin he receives.

"Do you want to take this inside?" Dean breathes out between kisses.

It was not like he had expected.  
No. It was better. Beyond better.  
They moved slowly, testing. Everything felt magnified; his skin seemed to glow slightly in the dark room. They had realized before they reached the door that they may need to unplug all the electrical items as kissing the angels neck had cause a fuse to blow on the way in.

Now he understood Castiel's concern.

Dean tried to decipher it, to think of any way to explain how it felt to see the blue eyes stare at him with such adoration, with such love.  
All he could think of was Jimmy Novak's Description;

"Like being chained to a comet"

He was finding it difficult now, trying hard to hold back, wanting to go slow for his sake but needing to move. It felt so good and it had been so long. Longer than he cared to admit.

"Cas,I need-" he stared at the angel again relishing the way his pupils dilated when he looked at him. Before the angel nodded.

"I understand Dean"

It happened so sharply it almost knocked the wind out of him. He forgot how much stronger the angel actually was. Castiel moved rolling on top placing both hands on Dean's chest and kissing him roughly. The pace increased. Harder. Dean dug his fingernails into the angel's hips to steady him, in surprise.

"Shit! Cas!" He had worried that Castiel wouldnt enjoy his first time but they way he seemed to move faster, become more confident in his actions as he learned what made the hunter shiver, proved otherwise. Dean groaned loving the way Castiel's breath had begun to hitch in his throat. The small noises he made despite trying to hold it all in. It was getting closer now, he moved a hand down to the angels pulsing hardness to"help him out" and found himself grinning, laughing at the moan of his name that escaped his lips. Incredulous at the effect he had had on the angel.

"Dean" Cas moaned moving his hips up to the hunters touch.

"mmm not so high and mighty now are we. Kind of kinky for a nerdy little dude with wings" He grinned again and moved up to kiss him again but was mett with a a furious glare, the hands on his chest pushing down harder.

Castiel stared him down almost angrily and gripped Dean's hair yanking his head forward crushing his lips to his.  
"Don't. Underestimate. Me. Dean. Winchester." He murmured increasing the pace of his hips, causing the bed to bang against the wall.

Fine. If he wanted to play it like that, he would play.

Dean shifted his position slightly, thrusting harder and must have hit something from the way Castiel suddenly tensed and shivered, calling out. Dean could see the shadows of his wings on the motel wall behind them. In the dim light he looked so beautiful, so sinful and so his. His angel.

It was too much, too hot, too good and Dean moved his hand faster, put a hand on the back of the angel's neck, drawing him in close. Feeling the angel shudder and tense again and again.  
" Ive got you, you're mine. Cas.

Cas.

Cas."

Shit

"You broke five fucking street lamps!" Dean noted staring out the window. "Five! Is that a normal thing? like will you always cause stuff to blow up?" He asked the sleepy angel wrapped in the covers of the motel bed.

"Why?" He questioned head tilting characteristically. "I assumed this would be a as you put it "one time onlykinda thing"

"Yeah...well that was before" Dean murmured sitting beside him. He didn't want to admit it but that was probably the most intense sex he'd ever had. "How do you feel then? Dirty, used?" He joked.

The angel paused. "Unexpectedly indifferent. Somehow I feel less afraid but at the same time no notable substantial differences. Although I do feel somewhat sore."

"Yeah. Well. Not my fault, you're a kinky son-of-a-bitch is it?" he expected the angel to smile but instead he stared at him with an almost powerful look

"Dean. I am no one's bitch" He paused, series before he smiled and kissed the hunter again.

Maybe being alone wasn't so bad, he mused, as they drove back to the hospital the next morning. Because maybe if they survived this, and he fucking swore they would, he wouldn't really be lonely. If Cas was there.


End file.
